There's a fire starting inside my heart
Reaching a fever pitch and its bringing me out of the dark
-- "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele
Hello.... my name is Meg.... I feel like saying that to myself in the mirror some mornings lately. I feel like I am greeting a long lost friend. Its a strange sensation to feel yourself again after not feeling that way for so long.
To clarify the situation, the last few months have been rocky, to put it mildly, in my personal life. This following 4 years of medical school, three years of residency and (almost!) 1 year of motherhood. But the most amazing thing is that I feel like *I* am coming out of the haze and becoming my old self again.
I feel the urge to read books, exercise, be creative, express myself, laugh, watch stupid TV, watch documentaries, learn, research, and push myself. I have not felt like that in a long, long time and I have not done a lot of those thing in a long, long time. I have felt like I just existed during these hazy years, I did not live.
Yes, some of those years are hazy due to sleep deprivation and being over-worked... Boards are 6 weeks post-partum, are you kidding?? But, I let some of myself go -- not necessarily voluntarily, but it happened. But I'm done with that.
Its an amazing feeling... I feel like I am finding my groove, my rhythm, I'm "sitting in the pocket" to quote my favorite summer TV show. This week, I actually busted out my arts and crafts box (complete with detailed label on the front) and did an art project for Libby's 1st birthday party. I even thought about writing poetry again. I can't remember the last time I did that.
I am slowly learning through a lot of help and guidance to embrace me, just as I am. Yes I like to bake cupcakes and dress my daughter in pretty dresses, but I also can build swing sets that I design, I can call what play should be run on 3rd and 20 and I can cook. No, I don't fit into many molds but I'm learning to be ok with that, I'm learning to wear my own skin comfortably. I hope this all leads to being a better friend, a better daughter, a better woman, but most of all, I just want to be me.